Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
