Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
