i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Still dying that you shit outside
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
