Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
