Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
