I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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