my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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