I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
