I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
