I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
