A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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