My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
