I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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