I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
