I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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