You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
