i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
