please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
