All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
