Got a toothbrush?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
