you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
