I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
