apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
