you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
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I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
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We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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