this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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