$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
