I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
