We're facebook friends in real life
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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