a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
