ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
