Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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