ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
