No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
