I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
