Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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