Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
