This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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