I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
