Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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