Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
