My cat gives me a boner
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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