My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
