I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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