you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
