I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
