So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
