Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
