You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Enjoy the penises
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
