i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
