I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
