I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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