who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
