everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
