She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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