Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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