i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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