last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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