I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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