a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
